Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Follow me for more recipes
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.