Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair