[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips