*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.