Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣