I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?