If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”