Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
You Might Also Like
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Good morning
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
real
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you