These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Practicing safe sax
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…