[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The Onion called it…again.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.