“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
How many games did you play already?馃槄
#chessmeme
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I鈥檓 not saying you can solve everything with cake but I鈥檓 also saying you shouldn鈥檛 at least try to solve everything with cake.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She鈥檚 fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he鈥檒l end up normal.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
it鈥檚 extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 馃幎am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I鈥檓 still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it鈥檒l be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
don鈥檛 go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??