I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Them: You should try keto
Me:
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I feel it
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.