[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The future is now.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries