Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
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Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
the #horror is real!
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I have questions??
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it