COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
#dnd #ttrpg
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
(Jupiter –
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My inexpensive home security system…
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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