Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.