day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Finally! 😈
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
#parenting
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me: