I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok