My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww