explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Close call…
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Forever 21… pounds overweight
what it’s like dating me:
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My current situation
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆