The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Who did it better?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
The honesty is refreshing
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.