The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
That eye roll….
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool