Battery falling down a hole
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.