Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.