Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU