It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Yup….perfect score!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*