Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
first you must answer his riddles
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Meanwhile in Canada…
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.