DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
This was the best day of my life
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.