I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: