Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
🤣🤣💀
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover