reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Ugh but profoundly
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!