Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Tuesday
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
#math
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)