Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My work here is done
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
We avoided this particular disaster
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL