Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.