The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire