sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
who will stop them
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.