Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I hate everything
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL