{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
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Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Bike is short for Bichael.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.