I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?