If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
🤣🤣🤣
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Cause of death: Zumba
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected