My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
The smoothest fall of all time
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink