wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
True.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.