My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
You Might Also Like
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.