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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?