Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.