You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin