One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
DOOO EEEET
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”