Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.