I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.