I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.